This article from the Harvard Mental Health letter offers some helpful strategies.

DECEMBER 2011

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My father died four years ago.  He was a jazz musician and frequently played at local dinner clubs.  During my younger, naive years I was in the audience at one of those fancy dinner clubs. To my surprise my father put his horn down, came to my table and brought me to the center of the dance floor.  We danced to one of those old smokey blues songs while the rest of his band played on. 

 That was 30 years ago.  I didnt know much about death and dying or losing someone you love.   I  also did not understand that this dance would in time become my most precious memory of my father.  That night he saw me as his grown up daughter he could hold in his arms and dance to the music he had created.  His love, his passion and his most important words came through his music.    This is what made him such an incredible musician.  It is that dance that makes me feel loved more than any words he ever spoke to me.  The music, and his trumpet were his words, and I wish I could  (click link) Dance With My Father Again.

For those of you who have lost a father my thoughts remain with you and I wish you strength in your healing process.

Unfortunately these animals were mostly healthy.  Their date of death was scheduled on a calendar.  The real cause of death would be homelessness, being alone, no one to care for them.  How incredibly sad.  I truly appreciate the efforts and selflessness of these volunteers.  To learn more about the Compassion Project, click here.

Unfortunately for those parents who have lost a child the day will be one of great sadness, reflection and quiet grief.  Although the day may be dedicated to mothers the fathers too will experience sadness for it is actually a day that celebrates all aspects of parenting.  The reminders of the day will touch siblings, grandparents and friends.  In 6 weeks the scenario will repeat itself as we pause to celebrate Father’s Day.

There are millions of parents that have lost a child whether it was through death, adoption, failed pregnancy or as a missing person.  Society is uncomfortable with parents grieving the loss of a child, especially on days of celebration such as Mother’s and Father’s Day.  There is little support and acknowledgment for these families.  An internet search yields 1000’s of results for Mother’s Day gifts, cards, and poems but only a few results for coping with grief, and sadness on Mother’s Day.   

The parent child relationship never ends.

For mothers and for fathers who have lost a child the day will bring with it many memories and quiet reflections of special moments and thoughts of “what could have been”.  The parent child relationship never ends.  A mother or father will always remain a parent regardless of the age of the child at the time of death or the reason the child is no longer present.  Time may bring more sophisticated coping strategies but the absence of the loved child lingers in the heart of the parent and remains there for their entire lives.   Special days evoke memories bringing them to the surface to be experienced.  Friends may notice and question the source of a fleeting wistful look that sometimes presents itself.  Few people will acknowledge your loss.  It seems more comfortable to remain silent.  Yet it is during these special days when parenthood is celebrated that the loss of a child needs to be recognized.  The joy and celebration of intact families will remind the childless parent of what they are missing and grieving. 

When a child dies a part of the future dies.

At birth there is an implied promise that the parent will protect, provide and keep the child from harm forever.  There is the expectation that the child will outlive the parents.  When the child dies these expectations, hopes and dreams for the child are not forgotten and the grieving will continue over time. 

With the passage of time we keep track of the child’s birthdays, impending graduations, becoming an adult, falling in love, having children and becoming grandparents. We wonder what they would look like, how they will interact with the world, will they be successful, and what types of adventures will they have.  As these milestones for parents unfold grief continues. The absent child is not present for the continual progression of the parent’s life.  The hopes and dreams for the child will never come to fruition.  For this reason the loss of a child is also a loss of the future.  The wedding gown stored away will not be worn; and the family business will not be handed down.  There will be no grandchildren to dote upon and keep the family tree progressing. 

When a parent dies a piece of the past dies.

If your mother or father has died the special celebrations of Mothers Day and Fathers Day may awaken feelings and memories of cherished loved ones, (assuming a supportive and loving parental relationship).  Usually there are only a few people who can describe with authority and accuracy the story of your life, those who were around us as we explored, made mistakes, and learned hard lessons.  Our parents have an experience of us that is unique only to them.  They watched and guided us as we developed.  Your parent may have been your only cheering section, especially during those really challenging times.  They may be your first experience of truly unconditional love.  Parents are our first teachers.  We can track our ethics, values, and opinions back to what our folks said or did.  As we move through the developmental stages of life there will be many times when you might reflect on a teaching or experience that only a parent would understand.  Frequently the first healer, the first hero, the first protector and the most forgiving person in our life was our parent.

With the loss of our parent we grieve the loss of our past.  Only a parent can remind us of our personal story.  A current accomplishment could be just a bit more satisfying if we could look over our shoulder and see them nodding with approval.  This type of approval can only come from the parental awareness of our humble beginning. 

Honoring those we have lost.  Taking care of ourselves.

Grief and sadness are difficult emotions and the tendency is to suppress our sadness which only makes it more intense.  In addition to the grief we will have the additional stress of trying to cover it up.  The avoidance of grief is also a subtle statement that our own sense of self, our sadness, does not matter enough for the expression of our tears.  The gentler way to move through grief and sadness is to embrace it, acknowledge it and tell the truth about it.  Remember there is healing in the telling.

Often the people who care about us do not know how to support us in the grief process.  When they ask how you are doing, let them know.  If they offer support accept it and let them know how they can be of assistance to you.

 During special days do remember those who are absent.  Bring out the photo albums, tell stories, and reminisce.  The truth is life matters and your loved ones continue to make a difference.  Pass their teachings on to others.  Retell their jokes and favorite stories.  Share how your life has changed and how you have expanded as a result of knowing them and surviving their absence.  Say their name, tell their life story.  Include them in a ritual, in a prayer.  Display their favorite flowers, play a favorite song.  Serve a favorite food.

 Be gentle with yourself and honor the lives of those whom you love. Allow your tears your loved one is worth it.   Your relationships have not ended they have changed form.  You are still a parent to your child and you are still the child of your parent.  Give yourself permission to grieve and honor your loved one by keeping their essence alive. 

My thoughts will remain with you,

Julie Siri, LCSW

It seems being realistic about end of life issues allows us opportunities to prepare for loss.  We can work on our “bucket list”, complete communications and right past wrongs.  We can shift our time parameters to include basking in the relationship that will soon be changing form.  Perhaps there will be something we can capture to make sure we keep a piece of our loved one with us when they leave.

Type of Loss, Expected or Sudden

The type of loss can influence the grief process.  Grieving an expected loss is different than grieving a sudden or violent loss.  When  we expect a loved one to die we generally begin grieving before the actual death.  We watch our loved ones change and grow weaker.  Consciously or unconsciously we begin to process our goodbyes.  With a sudden death we do not have the opportunity for adequate closure or to move through a goodbye process.  When the death is violent or a suicide the grief process will also include great questioning regarding why, and how.  Complications of anger and or guilt may also become considerable variables impacting the length of the grieving process.

Grief and Healing Differ By Person 

Grief is different for each person and the experience of “getting better” is also different for each person.  ”Getting better” may mean to stop crying, or to become involved with society again, or to have a peaceful sleep, and for others just to get an appetite back and feel human again.  Grief is a process and there will be comfortable good days intermingled with difficult painful experiences of deep sadness.  A good way to monitor the healing process is to keep a journal.  Record how you are feeling each day, both good and bad.  Overtime you will see that the bad days are fewer and fewer and the lows are less low while the highs are progressively higher.  A bad day this week may be what a good day felt like last month.  It is very difficult to be an accurate observer of our own behavior and emotions.  For this reason a journal is perfect.  We can reflect back on our experiences written in our own hand and see that we have indeed made progress even though it may not seem to be so at the moment. 

Strength and Type of Support

 Other factors influencing the time frame for healing include the current support system.  Grieving is an emotional process.  If it is suppressed the process will take longer and can last forever.  A safe and nurturing support system will allow for the sharing and healing of the loss.  There is healing in the telling.  If you can talk about the loss and more importantly be “heard” as you tell your story the loss will move from an intellectual episode to an emotional episode.  Healing does not take part intellectually it occurs at an emotional level.  To feel our sadness, to express our despair and to feel empathy and receive compassion brings about healing or “relief”.  Keeping the feelings inside, and unexpressed is what causes sleepless nights, loss of appetite, anger and depression.  A safe, compassionate support system allows for the expression of our emotions.

It does get better in time.  Stages of the grief process do differ for each person and circumstance. 

Losing A Friend

Years ago a very close friend, Ron, visited my mountain home in Big Bear California.  I had known Ron for many years.  As our lives changed and unfolded we managed to stay close and continue our special friendship.  We would spend hours reflecting on life and supporting one another through various twists and turns, and ups and downs.  Those times of reflection were my favorite.  We talked about love, the world, politics, God, and even death.  Whenever I had a “great idea” or found myself pondering a life issue I would call Ron.

               He would listen.      

               We would talk.

               Life was grand.

A Special Promise

During his visit to Big Bear we took a hike in the mountains.  We came upon a huge redwood that had been struck by lightening.  Although it was still standing tall its trunk had been hollowed out and charred.  Like two little kids, we decided to see if both of us could fit inside the trunk, quite a feat since Ron was over six feet tall. While inside the tree, laughing at our silliness, Ron shared with me how special our relationship was and gave me a blue feather he had found during our hike.  It was his gift of the moment and with it a promise to always love me and be there for me.  We finished our visit that day with a wonderful dinner and of course a profound discussion about life.  He gathered his things and drove down the mountain to his home in Los Angeles.

 Terrible News

That was our last time together.  Weeks passed and I received a call informing me that Ron had taken his life.  His body was found in the gardener’s utility room with a suicide note pinned to his shirt.  The funeral services were private, “family only”.  This was all the information I was ever to receive.  Of course I was in shock.  My grief process included persistent haunting questions.  We had talked about so many things but never ……….suicide or despair or hopelessness.

             Why?

             What happened?                               

             What had I overlooked?

             How did I fail?

             Why didn’t he come to me for help?

I missed Ron.  I missed our talks.  I missed the sanctuary he provided me. Life was different now.  He promised to always love me and to be there for me.  I was angry, hurt, and confused.

A Promise Kept

On a particularly lonely day I walked to the edge of the lake.

I had stopped thinking and my mind and my heart were still.  It felt good to have the questions stop for a while.

I experienced a quiet calmness and closeness in my thoughts   about Ron that brought both peace and comfort.  At that moment I felt compelled to sit on the shore at the lake and capture the feeling of the calm.  As I sat, I leaned back moving my hand deep into the sand.   I felt something soft and intertwined in my fingers was a single blue feather.

In a flash I remembered, one of our wonderful talks included the promise that relationships last forever.  Death does not change that promise or commitment.

I felt his presence, I re-experienced our relationship.

The aloneness fell away.

The Feathers Keep Coming

Over the past 23 years I have continued to receive feathers.  They fall in my path, slide down my windshield, or become lodged near the middle of my front door awaiting my arrival home.

 I have over 100 feathers, in various shapes and colors.  I have received feathers while in Europe, New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, Indiana during the funeral of my sister and later the funeral of my father.  I have received feathers on a golf course in Hawaii, and lying on my computer keyboard in the morning.  My most memorable feather was given to me by Barbara, a woman with advanced Alzheimer’s who had long ago lost the ability for meaningful communication.  Barbara handed me a beautiful feather stating with perfect articulation, “this is for you”, of course it was brilliant blue.  She smiled and scurried away.

 The feathers seem to come during perplexing times when I need support or a listening ear, and also during times of great celebration.  Those very same times I would always share with my friend Ron.

And Relationships Continue ……..

I have shared this story with hundreds of people and many have reported back to me that they too have “feathers”.  Sometimes it is the chiming of a broken clock or the reappearance of a lost memento, a dove that will not fly away and yes sometimes it is a feather.  

 The lesson of the feathers is that relationships do not end.  They change their form.  One of the primary tasks in our healing process is to reconnect with the relationship, to become accustomed to the new form.  When we can do this the grief and sorrow will begin to lift.

 You will find this philosophy woven into all the work we do here at Journey Through Loss and for that reason you may find an occasional feather reminding us to listen to the whispers, to pay attention to those wonderful life-like dreams and to embrace the knowledge that sometimes comes during quiet still moments.

“Relationships do not end, they only change form.”   

  Julie Siri

There are presents to be purchased, crowded stores, extra traffic, financial burdens and social obligations.  If a person has experienced the death of a loved one this seasonal stress is greatly magnified.

Death brings about many changes that will affect the holidays.  Perhaps your loved one always carved the turkey or prepared a traditional dish from an old family recipe.   Patterns and rituals will be different this holiday season.  There will be an empty chair at the table, the house may not look the same in the way it is or is not decorated.  Holiday cards may not have their usual cheery message, and how do you sign them.  Even if a person thinks they have been “doing well”  with the death the holidays can reactivate their grief as they are forced to acknowledge the extent of their loss.

The emotions that the holidays stir in a person who has experienced a loss are overwhelming.   Here are 10 ideas that can help reduce the stress and  ease some of the emotional pain this season may bring.

1.  Don’t plan to skip the holidays:  It’s impossible to simply bypass the holidays.  Even if you hide your head under the covers until the sun sets, you cannot wish the day away.  It will come.  Instead, accept the fact that it’s normal to feel sad and down at this time.  Face your feelings and learn how to prepare as best you can for the day.

2.  Plan Ahead:  Grieving people do not like surprises because their emotions are already like a roller coaster, up and down, and unpredictable.  Therefore, plan ahead so that the events of the special day are well known to you, your family members and friends.  Predictability reduces the element of surprise and increases coping skills.

3.  Make tentative plans:  Because the emotions of grief are so unpredictable, it is hard to know in advance if you will be having a good day tomorrow, or next Thursday.  Therefore, if you are invited to a party or holiday meal, your response can be, “I would like to go, let me give you a tentative ‘yes’”.  This gives you the space and opportunity to change your mind if necessary.

4.  Do only what is special and meaningful to you:  Stop and take a look at what supports you and makes you feel most comfortable and do only those things.   Remember this is your grieving process, you deserve to put yourself first and monitor your comfort level.

5.  Shop early or by catalog or online:  Grieving people often see reality through distorted lenses.  If you have lost a spouse, it may appear that all the world is “coupled”  with happy , healthy, married people and of course they are all madly in love.  If you have lost a child, everywhere you gaze you will see only energetic, rosy-cheeked children with smiling parents.   During the holidays these perceptions can be accentuated:  the malls are filled with joyful shoppers, Holiday music, colorful decorations, and an exciting hustle and bustle in the air.   A grieving person may feel alone and depressed in this environment.

6.  Tell the truth about your feelings:  If you are asked, “How are you?’, be truthful.  The way through grief is by grieving.  In addition, most people don’t know how to support someone who is grieving.  They need you to tell them how you actually feel:  “Today is hard day for me”;  “I’m feeling tender”;  ”I’d like to be quiet”;  “I’d appreciate some company”.

7.  Choose supportive people to be around:  Be with those people you feel comfortable with, those who are okay with tears, those who can sit and chat with you about the person who has died.  It is important that you do not feel a need to entertain them but rather a freedom to just be relaxed and say and do the things you are comfortable with.

8.  Take Care of Yourself Physically:  Grieving people can have a tendency to under eat or over eat.  They can also drink alcoholic beverages in excess, particularly during the holidays.  There are many ways to distract ourselves from painful feelings.  Make healthy choices, watch what you eat and drink, get plenty of rest and exercise.

9.  Remember to Remember:  “Relationships don’t end, they only change form.”  You are still impacted by your loved ones love, guided by their words, touched by their sense of humor.  Acknowledge the person who died, write them a card, get them a gift.  Honor this relationship in whatever manner you find helpful.  This relationship will never cease to be important to you.

10.  Most important remember that we are here for you, your loss and your healing matter to us:  Please feel invited to visit our web site,  we have more articles for you and a grief blog for your thoughts.  www.journeythroughloss.com

Remember there is healing in the telling.

Julie Siri, LCSW

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The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Price: $12.98

In this loving and powerful recording you will learn how to manage your grieving process not only during holidays but other special times such as mother’s day, birthdays, anniversaries or special occasions.

Julie begins with an explanation of why special days are difficult. Knowledge is a powerful tool and the more we understand about grief the more capable we are of becoming the master of our process. In this recording you will learn how to address the stress, the anticipation and the fear of loss of control that accompany holidays and special times. You will be given many effective tips and strategies to make the holiday season more manageable.

At Journey Through Loss we believe that relationships never end. There is no need to skip these important days. You can embrace your loss, open your heart and honor your relationships. The recording concludes with a powerful and loving visualization process which allows you to reconnect and include your loved one in the holiday season or your special day.